What’s Wrong with Being Nice?
My freshman year in college, I got to know a dreamy senior who had many women after him. But, he was spending most of his time with me. When I asked why? I was disappointed in his answer. He said because I was nice and I was stable. Wah wah. That sounded boring at the time. But, I’ve learned how precious it is to have stable people in your life. Yet, I knew something didn’t feel right about being called “nice.” I know there was no malintent on his part. And, he was right. I was nice. But, at what cost? Being nice left me feeling disconnected from myself, wiped out, and irritated. Does this sound like you?
✔ Do you give more in relationships at work and personally?
✔ Are you often going from activity to activity and feel exhausted with little time for yourself?
✔ Do you feel resentful wondering why people don’t support you the way you support them?
If this sounds like you, you might be thinking your approach to life is just being kind to others. But, is it? Is it really being kind?
The Difference Between Being Nice and Kind….
There is an important distinction between being kind and being nice. To best explain the distinction, I had someone recently ask me what is the opposite of being “nice” and my response was “mean.” (By the way, I’ve asked this question several times since and this is how most people respond.) But, the opposite of nice is actually being “assertive.” Yes, assertive as in being confident, sharing your truth, and expressing your needs, thoughts, and feelings.
And, being nice can include being people-pleasing, ignoring your own needs, and being walked all over in an effort to maintain a relationship. Being nice can actually be considered manipulative and controlling. No need to feel shame if you are being nice. It may have come from a place of feeling like you needed to survive. It can be conditioning from childhood to think about other people’s needs so they wouldn’t get upset and still take care of you.
To fully understand the difference between being nice and kind, ask yourself what is the opposite of being “kind?” Yes, you guessed it–being mean! Being mean includes not considering others or actually being harsh in some way while kindness is being friendly, generous, giving and considerate. Naturally, kindness includes considering others as well as yourself.
Although I’ve known being “nice” wasn’t really serving me or others well, it was tough to make a real shift until I discovered and understood this distinction. Being nice included putting others’ needs before my own or acting out of F.O.G.–fear, obligation, and guilt. It’s felt amazing to stop coming from this fear based place. I started to see the clear benefits of being kind and assertive–versus being nice.
The Benefits of Being Kind…
Now, I’m excited to show up and be kind. Kind to myself AND others. Because kindness includes considering yourself, it is more authentic and healthy. You’re in alignment with your truth. When I come from a place of love–for myself–and filling my own cup first, I can actually be more present and loving to others. It’s truly a win-win. You’re giving without assuming you’ll get something in return.
To understand if you’re doing something to be nice or to be kind, check in with your true intention. Are you aligned with your truth and values? Or, are you trying to gain approval from someone?
If you’re really ready to be kind, you’ll notice it might be uncomfortable at first. But, you can do so by setting loving boundaries or deciding not to participate in certain situations if they don’t align with what you need and want. The best part is you can recognize there is a reason for not participating. It’s not about being mean to someone else, it’s about being kind to yourself.
If you need more support in setting boundaries, check out this brief article on how to set boundaries personally and two short videos on how to set boundaries at work. And, if you’d like help with being more intentional, check out this proprietary tool I created. I hope you can enjoy being kind more so than ever.
