I’m so grateful to see how much self-improvement concepts have become more mainstream these days. So much so that potential clients are sharing the concepts with me during our consultations as we discuss how coaching can support them. But, I still often see people not being able to take that step forward with making changes in their lives that they know would help, and I want to share the hidden reason why.
What holds you back from making changes?
Here’s a quick story to illustrate. I was recently conducting a complimentary consultation with a potential client. We were reviewing the 4 questions I ask to understand if I can be of service and to help the potential client get very clear on what she deeply desires and what is getting in her way.
I heard she wanted more joy and fulfillment in her career, financial abundance, and a happier personal life. Got it! She actually has a good job making a solid salary. But, she wanted to take her life to the next level. I’ve worked with clients to create these very outcomes by first focusing on how they can be happier daily. Then, they can attract situations, opportunities, and people that align with creating their deepest desires. An important first step is awareness – i.e., noticing their thoughts and beliefs to determine how they may be holding themselves back from going for what they want and/or attracting it.
When I shared with this potential client that her thoughts (that she didn’t have time, as much money or maybe the capabilities to make changes) weren’t serving her well, I could sense she was irritated. She admitted she thought that every self-improvement person says “the problem” is your thoughts and then she shared that she needs to get results fast. I understood her desire for quick results – who wouldn’t want that?
A couple of minutes later she shared how she knows she needs to get clear on what she really wants, that she lacks patience and needs an attitude shift. I was so glad she recognized these important next steps. But, I asked her why she seemed to disagree with those comments when I made them a bit earlier. She acknowledged she was resisting what I shared with her – even though she knew what I was saying was in alignment with her perspective. It was heartbreaking to see how she had her guard up about something that was so aligned with what she wanted. She seemed very attached to being “right” and that was hindering the progress she could be making.
The hidden reason why we resist so much.
This can happen when we are tied to an image we have of ourselves and our lives or when we’re attached to an identity/role in our lives that has become connected to our essence. In this potential client’s case, she was attached to “not having what she desired.” An attachment to an outdated or narrow image of ourselves can range from an identity as seemingly wonderful as being a Mom or as difficult as being broke. For example, I see some newly divorced Moms struggling with dating because they only see themselves as Mom. Or, someone who has recently gotten their financials in better order still afraid to treat themselves occasionally. In many of these cases, people are cutting themselves off from so many possibilities because of their attachment to an identity that was created long ago. We can all be so much more than the old or current image we have of ourselves. We can go deeper on the topic, but for now, the hurdle can simply be described as not being able to see yourself at the next level or in a more expansive way.
Four tips to overcome our resistance.
There are many ways to grow beyond your current identity while holding on to your true essence in a way that can be useful to achieving what you desire next in your life. If you’re struggling with taking next steps and experiencing progress toward the life results you desire, I invite you to consider the following tips:
Be open versus attached to being “right.” Consider if there is a nugget of truth in feedback you’re receiving.
- Your ego wants to keep you in the status quo – your mind feels safer in a familiar place.
- Make it a goal to be uncomfortable.
Recognize you’re not alone. Others have been where you are now and surpassed challenges.
- Learn from them and their hard work.
- Read their stories for inspiration.
- Everyone has obstacles to overcome – health issues, lack of money, seemingly overwhelming responsibilities.
Remember it’s not too late to make changes. It takes time and effort to make traction in a certain direction.
- Ray Kroc started McDonald’s at 52.
- Morgan Freeman became an A-list actor in his early 50’s after decades of acting.
Stop focusing on perfection – – for example, I have to be in the perfect space to have a meeting.
- Rather than finding reasons (read: excuses) for why you can’t do something, think about how you can make it easy. And, make it happen.
- For further inspiration, check out my article about how to focus on progress, not perfection here: Worst Advice Ever! And, What To Do Instead… And, here are quick tips from my Forbes colleagues and me on Perfection Paralysis: How to Step Back and Stop Over-analyzing Your Work.
There are additional methods to evolve in a way that will serve you in taking your life to the next level. But, I’ve found these steps to be powerful and practical in making the changes that will get you closer to what you want in life. What step can you take today to practice this new way of living?
